Early Onset OCD

July 31, 2014

I don’t like dirt. Or mess.
 Or filth.
 Of any kind.

My school guidance counsellor calls it ‘early onset’ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but I say that when it comes to germs, it’s better to catch them too early than too late. What’s the point in being obsessive about something if you don’t wake up before the crack of dawn to start obsessing? Right? I mean, suppose I was really relaxed about germs; I might end up as patient zero for some new, horrible disease and then it’d be my name associated with it. They might even name it after me, call it the ‘Meltzer measles’ or the ‘Adam Affliction.’ No, I want to be remembered for something much more important, like having the world’s largest collection of hand sanitizers. Yep, that’s a goal worth pursuing, but one you need to wake up pretty early to achieve.

She also said I worry too much. But I say: there’s a lot to worry about.

I worry about running out of shampoo. I worry about the factories that make nut-free candy and yet cannot guarantee that they’re made in a nut-free environment. I worry that there are no air bags in school buses. I worry about robots rising up against humanity. I used to worry a lot about dying, but I suppose I can cross that off the list now. But thanks to my unhelpful guidance counsellor, I now have to worry about worrying too much; so the list doesn’t get any shorter.

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